Overcoming Ambivalence
Hiding vs. Honesty
Ambivalence is the single greatest hurdle for people in recovery to overcome. To be ambivalent is to be of two minds about a thing, or to have mixed feelings. Part of me wants a thing, part of me doesn’t. Or what is more likely, part of me wants something good for me, part of me (usually the louder part) wants something that is bad for me.
Caught in this ongoing inner debate, many a good-intentioned soul has yielded to the voice wanting the bad thing… sometimes just because they are exhausted. If ambivalence is a problem, then being focused & single-minded should be the solution …Right?
Right!
The challenge of being focused & single-minded also means being present with reality …and very often reality is difficult to behold. The reality of one’s own condition may be the most difficult realty to behold.
Thus, many addicted people (and helping professionals for that matter) get caught up in endless discussion about whether or not that person has a problem:
Do you have an addiction or just a bad habit? Is this really a problem, or can you handle it? “I think I might drink too much, but I don’t fit-in with AA.” “Sure I’m smoking a lot of weed, but I like it and I haven’t lost my job, so what’s the big deal?” “How do I tell if I’m gaming too much, or just really enjoying it?” “Why would anyone call sex an addiction? Isn’t that something we need?”
And so the conversations go. And go and go and go.
Say you do have a problem. A good question to ask is:
What’s the worst thing about that ____?
There are many reasons people avoid “having problems” (or looking like they have problems), such as: We don’t believe we can be fully known; We’ll be punished with rejection or abandonment on some level; We don’t believe true healing is possible; or Looking at our problems means looking at damage we caused, then feeling really sad. So then we hide out in ambivalence: doing anything we can to shift the focus away from our problems.
Meanwhile, the longer we avoid the reality about ourselves, the longer we avoid taking action toward growth.
What’s the answer?
One very crucial answer is to face reality as it is. This is a central tenet of good sobriety. Facing reality as it is at all costs. Rigorous honesty. The courageous look within. Radical acceptance of the things around you that you cannot change. To be sober is to be here! Now! As yourself! It’s a tall order.
Not everyone will do it, but everyone can. At the very least, everyone can try to learn, then try to practice it. Even the trying changes you into the kind of person who tries to be present, facing the reality of themselves.
The reality is that we DO have problems. I have problems. You have problems. We’re together in this; or we could be together if we’ll be honest with ourselves and each other. If we can enter this life of reality, then we can grow.