Knowing this reality, we have some exciting news to share:

There are plans in the works to release MORE of these types of conversations & interviews in various series -both in listening & visual recording forms! These will further the exploration & understanding of what we at New Pattern Counseling mean when we talk about Sobriety or the Sober Life.

In the meantime, there are even more previous episodes available on our Patreon & YouTube accounts featuring in-depth book studies, interviews with other experts, and meaningful conversations about how the Orthodox faith can be an integral part of pursuing the Sober Life. There are a few exceptional Patreon episodes available for purchase or a monthly subscription, with more being added to this account, too, for more specialized content & collaborations. Please click on the links below to start exploring!

https://www.patreon.com/outercircle/

https://youtube.com/@outercircleinnerstillness4833?si=WcHQ8cFvzny6O57M

For shorter form clips from those previous episodes & other Sober Life content, you can peruse our Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/newpatterncounseling?igsh=N3owZHh2NnN2N3lz&utm_source=qr

What is the role of spirituality in recovery, and what is the role of our childhood experiences of our parents in our spirituality? 

In today’s episode, I interview Ken Ovitz, fellow counselor and spiritual pilgrim, about recovery, spirituality, how our parents shape our understanding of God, and how we need each other to really thrive. We talk about how recovery is about creating a sacred space that cultivates intimacy and vulnerability and enough authenticity to allow people to be themselves and come together. Along the way, we make references to Christianity, Judaism, and Viktor Frankl. In the end, we linger on the impact of family patterns, how to overcome shame, and how to incorporate spiritual disciplines, from different traditions.

The Outer Circle Inner Stillness is made possible by support from listeners, patrons, likes, and shares. For early access to content, and to learn more about how to support the podcast, visit ⁠www.patreon.com/outercircle⁠. 

Rhys Pasimio can be found through⁠ ⁠⁠www.patreon.com/outercircle⁠ and on instagram at @newpattrencounseling and through New Pattern Counseling at ⁠www.newpatterncounseling.com⁠, and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Ken Ovitz can be found kennethovitzlcsw@gmail.com and at his profile on Psychology Today - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ken-ovitz-cherry-hill-nj/808681

Thanks for listening!

#counseling #therapy #mentalhealth #addiction #sexaddiction #sexuality #spirituality #orthodoxy #judaism #faith #religion #meaning #viktorfrankl #community #compassion #suffering

Here is our group discussion from the book study of From Object to Icon, in week 3 of its journey.

This time it is audio only; it's true I forgot to hit record on one of the places, which is why I hit record on two or three places.

In this week's discussion we tackle two main topics.

1 - we cover chapters 7-9 which explore the softening of masks into veils. These chapters are about how to open up to others safely, and how to see others gently. As in most things, we should be wary of extremes, and seek to be gentle and mutual in our opening up to each other. Here we talk about some of the ways the sacrament of Confession is especially powerful.

2 - How to talk to our kids about sex! This is a topic I've been very excited to cover for a long time. We said some things about this and certainly we'll say more at some point soon. Here we reflect on our own experiences of our own sex education, and we discuss some considerations in how to best support our kids in their growth. We start with God's vision for holy union with Him, healthy intimacy within the sacrament of marriage, and build from there.

These discussions are getting more personal, which is why they are only available to subscribing members and those who are regularly attending the study. For more questions, please do reach out.

Thanks, and see you next week!

Further, what is Stewardship? And what can we learn about it from Lord of the Rings?

Dino Biaggi is a self-identified fan about being deliberate about life. He is a husband, father, Christian man, and the Financial Literacy Manager at Birch Community Services, a Sustainable Families Program, in Portland, OR. He supports families pursuing fiscal and financial health. Paired with donated household items and food, his team at Birch aims to "Teach a person how to fish," and in this way support families in becoming the answers to their own challenges.

Rhys and Dino talk about what financial health is, beyond merely having a good budgeting app. We talk about family vision, core values, and wise practices to keep in mind as we navigate 60-100 financial choices per day.

Along the way, we muse on how one's relationships with work and money closely interact with our experiences of stress and trauma, and thus can eerily mirror a person's addictive, compulsive, and obsessive relationships with alcohol, drugs, and pornography. Turns out that our insecurities and inner narratives have a huge impact on what we do with our finances.

Embedded in our conversation about finances, is a discussion about Stewardship - that notion of seeing one's self as entrusted with resources, and managing them well. We make overt references to Denethor, the Steward of Gondor, as a really BAD example of a Steward.

Dino also points us to several Biblical passages, most notably the famous Gospel "Parable of the Talents," which offers a model of stewardship done well.

We discern that financial health cannot be reduced to a simple checklist of Do's-and-Don't's, nor is it as simple as having a well-formatted budgeting form. And yet, Dino still offers a few bits of initial advice on how to begin becoming intentional about your finances and family values, in a practical way.

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.patreon.com/outercircle and on instagram at @newpattrencounseling and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Dino Biaggi and Birch Community Services can be found at  - www.birchcommunitservices.org.

Dino references the following authors:

David L. Bach, author of the "Finish Rich" book series.

Beth Kobliner, author of "How to Make Your Kid a Money Genius, Even If You're Not."

Rhys further recommends the book, "For Love and Money: Exploring Sexual & Financial Betrayal in Relationship," by Debra L. Kaplan

#sobriety #sobrietywork #recovery #addiction #compulsion #trauma #narrative #innernarrative #money #finances #fiscal #stewardship #work #debt #savings #spirituality #spiritualdiscipline #gospel #bible #newtestament #parableofthetalents #jesus #christian #christianity #orthodoxy #orthodox #orthodoxchristianity #birchcommunityservices #bcs #family #familyvision #familyvalues

After 34 years of recovery from process addictions, Dr. Tracy Zemansky has discovered that successful recovery hinges on continuous self-evaluation. All of our life experiences can be seen as an ongoing feedback loop. If we pay attention to the impacts of our actions, thoughts, feelings, and relationships and how these change day to day, week to week, and year to year, we can often discover just what we need. Strict rules are not the problem, and an absence of structure is not the problem, but rigidly being either high structured or highly unstructured can lead one to extreme rhythms, which tend to put one at greater risk for relapse.

Recovery is like, “A teeter totter. There’s always going to be some shifting around to get balance. I don’t know anyone who’s always perfectly in the midde.” In this we can learn that a recovery and sobriety process can take many forms for many people, and probably should take different forms for each individual person as they move through life stages and an every shifting world.

As always, we are reminded of the vital importance of staying in community, staying active and involved caring for the body, taking some sort of regular personal inventory, and the value of, “Putting one foot in front of the other.” Dr. Tracy also reminds us to spend time with people who are at least a little further down the path than we are.

“People who are a few steps down on the path, whose lives are at least comfortable a good amount of time, if not all of the time, and who seem to be living with some degree of grace and integrity, those are the folks that give me hope. There’s people who have gone through whatever it is I’m going through, and I need to find those people.”  - Dr. Tracy.

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.patreon.com/outercircle and on instagram at @newpattrencounseling and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Dr. Tracy Zemanski can be reached in Santa Monica, CA, and at https://www.drtracyzemansky.com/ and would also be happy to hear from you!

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #soberwayoflife #livesofthesober #longtermsobriety #addiction #processaddiction #community #mindfulness #sexandloveaddiction #addictionrecovery #mentalhealth #counseling #therapy #outercircleinnerstillness

Welcome to another Lives of the Sober conversation! Today we meet Jim Pender, from Calgary, Alberta. Jim has been in recovery from alcohol abuse for 38 years. As he shares he story, he shares many things he’s read and written, especially around spirituality. In our conversation, we explore what spirituality is, and why it is an essential feature of a recovery process.

Along with spirituality, we also explore the role of community. Jim reflects that, “None of us do very much on our own; we don’t do a good recovery on our own.” He says of his experience of groups and community, “There’s nothing so wonderful as being understood.”

We talk about the difference between setting a daily intention for mindfulness and connectivity, and merely burdening ourselves with long to-do lists.

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.patreon.com/outercircle and on instagram at @newpattrencounseling and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Jim Pender can be reached at jpender@jamespenderassociates.com and would also be happy to hear from you!

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #soberwayoflife #livesofthesober #longtermsobriety #addiction #spirituality #community #mindfulness #dailyintention #addictionrecovery #mentalhealth #counseling #therapy #outercircleinnerstillness

And it is bad. We could even say reprehensible. Certainly inexcusable. Legitimately damaging, infusing a high dose of toxicity into the Christian community. Also because this was an individual tasked with the spiritual well-being of those in his care, any act of sexual misconduct is also abuse of the worst kind - spiritual abuse, which leads to destruction of the soul.

Hearing a story like this cuts deep. It hurts to learn of this happening, whether it’s the pastor from my childhood church, or from a current day leader I respect, some church far away, or spiritual leader in my peer group.

On the one hand, I am struck with a sense of violation and disappointment anytime this story happens.

On the other hand, nothing new here. We've seen this play out so many times, it's a wonder we're even shocked by it anymore.

Are we shocked? In that, I mean, are we deeply grieved in our souls? Or are we merely sensationalized and secretly delighted that we have more fodder for gossip and yet one more person to hate on instead of looking to our own sins? I wonder...

I wonder from the perspective of being an Orthodox Christian, raised Protestant, whose spiritual formation took place in the same culture that nurtures this type of scandal. I’m not in professional full-time ministry and never have been; my ministry experiences were part-time, volunteer, and lower stakes. I am though, a professional counselor who specializes in sexuality and sexual behaviors. I work with compulsive and chaotic behavior patterns all day, and from that perspective, this pattern of sexual scandal presents a host of important issues.

There's a part of me that sees a leader caught in scandal that wants to sigh and ask him all the others like him, "What happened to you?" But the larger, grown-up, professional counselor with specific training in compulsive sexual behavior looks at even a glimpse of his story and I suspect I have a pretty good idea what happened to him…because I know the pattern of what has happened to quite a few others.

If the pattern is true for him, then he was born into a rigidly legalistic and spiritually demanding environment, told that God loved him, but that he better not ever sin. He was bred in Purity Culture, where sexual virtue(specifically abstinence) was celebrated as much or more than salvation itself. Later he got into ministry. Public ministry. Famous public ministry. There began to be expectations. Demands. Time pressures. Spiritual warfare. The usual life stressors. Throw in marital challenges, and maybe a death or two, some natural disasters, and sprinkle in some political upheaval in the background, and you begin to have a chaos-stew. He's put into a spiritual-leadership role, where the stakes are nothing less than the souls of however many hundreds or thousands of people look to him for guidance and inspiration. The pressure to maintain one's holiness becomes very high, and painfully so, because most people cannot live up to that standard.

Then one day, there is a slip. Maybe it first happens as an adult, or maybe it happened long ago in childhood. There was a slip. A sin. A look. A touch. A perseverating thought of sexual deviance - and deviance it is called, because the narrative in his head says there is only one acceptable way of experiencing sexual pleasure, or pleasure of any kind. This particular sin is regarded at large as extra caustic, extra bad...and he, golden boy though he is, has failed to avoid the extra bad sin.

What's a boy, or fledgling young man to do then, but keep it a secret?

And so he does.

But secrets never stay small.

There is another slip, and another, and another. The slips get bigger and bigger. At some point, the slips take on a life of their own. Perhaps it's coping, perhaps it's soothing. Perhaps it's a compulsion he doesn't understand, borne out of an emotional need or attachment deficit he cannot articulate, if he can even recognize it, and this is because his family culture failed to provide the emotional nurture, and failed to provide vocabulary for being vulnerable and having emotions and having weakness.

The secret rots and festers in the noisy and dissonant place that is his inner life.

So then, there he is, in the prime of life, the leader of a spiritual community, the mouthpiece of God, the keeper of secrets, and the liver of a double life. It's an illusion that is bound to crash and burn, and perhaps deep down he knows this, but that prospect is terrifying, and the only thing more terrifying is the idea of coming out about his problem, so he keeps his secret and keeps up his facade, and holds tight to the illusion that everything is all right even as the shame and internal torture are mounting and his life is spiraling and approaching unmanageability.

And one day, somebody says something to someone, part of the secret gets out, and the dam breaks.

He is exposed.

Scandal.

And his community will either cover up his sin, and as a community they will become a toxic nest of spiritual death...

...or they will cast him out.

At least, that is what I imagine his fear to be, if the pattern is holding. I can never be honest about my struggles, because then I would be unfit to do the thing I believe God called me to do, the thing I so love to do...I would be nothing and nobody.

How can I speculate like this about someone not actively in my life, having heard only a brief bit of his story?

Well...it's a familiar story, told many times in many churches. There's a predictable pattern.

Because I know the pattern, and probably at least some of what happened to this man, I can't be angry with him.

Sure, he should be held accountable for his actions, and he has a hell of a lot of reparation work to do. But this time, I'm placing blame on the culture around him.

What does this story have to do with recovery work? Is this even a story about addiction? That's a good question about a story that raises many good questions.

We need to remember a few things.

First, people do heinous and awful things. They do them for many reasons. Sometimes the reason is addiction, or compulsive behavior patterns...and sometimes not. Just because a person has an affair...or even a few affairs, does not mean they have a sex addiction...though sometimes it does. The point is that there is always more of the person's story we need to know before we try to pronounce a label.

Secondly, we can wonder how a situation like the one I'm describing gets as big as it does. Why didn't the guy stop, especially if he knew what was at stake? Especially if he also walked with God? Why would anyone so egregiously violate their most deeply held values?

The thing to remember is that, when a person has a compulsive behavior pattern, they cannot just stop, because they did not just start. They started for a reason, and their behavior pattern has an emotionally load bearing role in their lives. Again, we need to understand their full story, and their full story needs healing if any long lasting "Stopping" is to happen.

Thirdly, we need to remember that addictive and compulsive behaviors include a wide variety of things. This is not a story about sex, same as when a person abuses alcohol, their story is not about alcohol. Nor is the story about the over-eating person actually about food.

All people tend to be driven to alter their experience in response to need, desire, and distress. We are supremely good at figuring out how to hack our brains in order to feel a specific way, and there are endless ways of doing so. Alcohol, Weed, Cocaine, Meth, Pornography, Sex, Food, Sugar, Binge-watching shows, gaming, work, exercise, religion, emotionally heightened worship experiences, self-harm, self-sacrifice, anger, sadness, and any number of other things.

Again, this story started with someone caught in sexual scandal, but he could just as easily have been drinking excessively or over-eating, or working his ministry job so much that he neglects his family.

Everyone tends to cope in unhealthy ways, and everyone needs to do intentional work to be present in their lives, including with their pain.

Fourth, everyone and anyone is vulnerable to these same behavior patterns, and the mistakes and choices that go with them. Ministry people are not immune. People who appear singularly blessed and destined are not immune. IN fact, they may be even more susceptible, given the pressures they face. We should remember this, and not be surprised, nor should we judge, when they inevitably struggle, no matter what that struggle may be.

So then, here's this one ministry figure who struggled, symbolic of all ministry figures how struggled. Since we're talking about recovery, let's talk about relapse. How can we keep this from happening again? How can we as a church culture prevent this kind of story from happening again?

Of course the individual should do his or her own work to understand their own cycles and struggle.

But in this moment, I'd like to highlight several concerns with the ministry culture in which they serve.

First, the reality is that all people, and all ministry people, have sins and struggles. To be redundant, and to drive home a point, if it's not porn and sex, it's alcohol and weed. If it's not drugs, it's anger. If not anger, impulsive spending. If not that, then binge eating. If none of these things then rage and narcissism. But are these talked about? Are the posted on instagram? Are they celebrated in podcasts and best selling books?

No. At least not very often. We hold our leaders as bastions of holiness on earth, as somehow transcending typical humanity, without ever bothering to get to know the real human, much less offering meaningful support.

Church people ought to allow their leaders to be real humans with real human struggles.

Second, ministry people need a venue for confession. They need to be able to open up about their struggles without fear of losing their communities and livelihoods. This does not at all mean their behavior should be endorsed, because it absolutely should not be; but this is similar to when a person in a drug and alcohol inpatient treatment center lapses and uses drugs...and then gets kicked out of the program. The consequences are all punitive, and not at all educational. The person is not helped.

I have a friend who used to work with juvenile males accused of sex offenses. Their program demanded abstinence from pornography, on pain of steep consequences. It was widely known that they were continuing to use porn, yet they would never disclose, because the consequences were too high. It was just easier not to say anything because then they could remain in the program...but at the same time, they would not really receive the help they so needed.

Ministry people need to be able to ask for help.

Third, ministry people need adequate emotional and relational resources. They also need well-balanced and sustainable work loads. Ministry is a demanding job with high stakes. That's all well and fine, but the people undertaking it need to be adequately resourced. This could look like adequate income, time off and benefits. It could look like a pastoral team marked by vulnerability and emotional intelligence. It could like fully funding a pastor's counseling needs, no questions asked(and for his or her family too!) It could look like hiring enough pastoral people so as to have an appropriate and effective ratio of clergy to laity.

This would of course mean that many churches would have to re-evaluate how their budgets reflect their values. Perhaps we would have to cut back on paying for new on-campus coffee shops and fancy microphones in order to provide better care for the pastoral staff…but a re-evaluation like this would probably be a good idea anyay.

Fourth...Ministry people should limit their public exposure, and keep themselves tied to a small group of people, so the fame monster doesn't become involved. Disband the mega-churches. Take down the youtube channel. Let ministry people hold really restrictive office hours and spend more time writing journals and letters, and use the extra time praying for their people. Some of the greatest saints were those who sought secrecy and anonymity; and still got famous despite trying to run from it!

Fifth...This one is about identity. Do we really believe that our identity is in Christ? Or do we believe our identity is really in the amount of followers we have? I wonder...

Ministry people are the product of their environments, same as anyone. If we in the church demand really healthy ministers and pastors, then we as a community also have be healthy to breed and support them.

So then what do we need, in order to heal our communities, heal our pastoral people, and hopefully prevent these tragedies in the future?

What do we need moving forward?

Every seminarian should be required to go to counseling, and this process should include a full disclosure process.

Every pastoral figure should be required to remain in active counseling for as long as they serve in that capacity. This therapy could be about anything, but the counselor absolutely must be someone competent to address sexuality and compulsive behaviors in whatever form they arise.

Every pastoral figure should have a confessor. Ideally, this figure will not be a member of the pastor's congregation. This is so the confessor has nothing vested in the pastor's rise and fall, and can more easily confront him or her.

At least once a year, the pastor should make a thorough confession to a group of other pastors and elders. This confession should include all that he has struggled with over the last year.

Even better, in this group setting, every pastor should make a similar confession to each other. This is so that the pastoral community at large can begin normalizing that they all have struggles, and their struggles even have some common themes. This is so that pastors can overcome the dreadful sense of being alone and unable to relate to anyone.

Pastor's should be married before they begin their official ministry, or if they are single, they should remain single the duration of their active ministry. This way, no one gets caught in the tenuous position of dating someone holding spiritual power over them.

Every time we look at a pastor, we should whisper to ourselves, "He or she probably looks at porn, or gambles, or rages, or eats too much. If none of those things, he or she probably neglects their family." And then we should pray for them! We should not do this to judge or indite them, but rather normalize to ourselves that all of our leaders have struggles just like us.

As a church culture, we need to improve how we talk about sex, sexuality, compulsive behaviors, and mental health. Churches are not primarily meant to be founts of psychological wisdom or counseling centers, but every church body should provide regular and facilitated conversational space for its leaders and congregants about sex, sexuality, sex education, drugs and alcohol, mental illness, trauma, and how to identify an abusive relationship when you are in one.

And the theme? We need to be talking about these things! A lot! So much more than we are now! Too many men and women have fallen from ministry and torn apart the lives around them because they were in the shadows, drowning in secrets.

We can do better.

We must do better.